If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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