Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize