Fine. I'll sleep in my office
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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