Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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