she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
