I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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