Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
