youre lurking in front of me
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
