so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize