Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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