if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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