Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
