If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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