I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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