i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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