I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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