I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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