now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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