Duck Duck Cougar?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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