Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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