i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
