I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
