My cat gives me a boner
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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