All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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