Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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