There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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