I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
