bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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