youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
