Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I touched a dick in church today
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize