I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
