she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
