the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
why is half of my head shaved?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
