I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
