You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
