Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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