Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I love you. Go after that dick
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