i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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