New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
