By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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