hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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