took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
