I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
