Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
