all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
