I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
