I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
