I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Randomize
