i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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