you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
did i walk over a car last night?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
