If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
