lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
