you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
