Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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