hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
