i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
