i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
