so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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