nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
