i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
